What follows is the fruit of my meditation retreat at the beginning of
September. (And includes a line thanks to Iryna who included it in her
comments to me when I asked her if the sharing of all this was “over-the-
I am complete confusion.
I am total clarity of mind.
I am a complete failure.
I am the most successful one.
I am painful agitation.
I am profound peace.
I am striving and wanting.
I am complete and utter satisfaction.
I am deliberate hurtfulness.
I am heart-felt love and nurturing.
I am evil incarnate.
I am Divine Love and Power.
I throw up blocks on the Path.
I see through and overcome “blocks” that are the Path.
I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.
I have complete faith in the Flow.
I mentally make up shit.
I am the one who sees the mind making up and attaching to that.
I want everything to be different.
I know the Perfection of All.
I am distracted mind.
I am one-pointed focus.
I am restricted breathing.
I am the relief of breath flowing freely.
I am the one trying to fulfill everyone’s desires.
I know they will never experience it as enough.
I am terror all the way to the bone.
I am loving Trust.
I am inferior to all.
There is no one better than me.
I try to do as I’m told.
I gleefully do the opposite of what I’m told.
I stress about doing things right.
I doubt there really is a right way.
I am the mountain top.
I am the valley.
I am a dedicated and helpful father and husband.
I couldn’t care less.
I provide endlessly for my family.
I take care of myself.
I am doubt about spiritual teachings and even about myself.
I trust the experience of those who have looked deeply at What Is and how a human being is made.
I think it’s All up to me!
I know what needs to be accomplished has already been
I am dedicated.
I am lazy.
I want to find the One Right Thing.
I flow with the Eternal Uncertainty.
I seek a permanent ground in the ever-changing world.
I laugh at myself in the attempt (when I’m not crying).
I study the scriptures and attempt to Realize their Truths in my daily life.
I indulge in endless, useless distraction from anything meaningful.
I fill my day with interminable busyness.
I am committed daily to looking within for hours and to following the
guidance of the Spirit.
I eat healthy food.
I eat food that is not the best for this body.
I appreciate beauty.
I am fixated on what is ugly and wrong.
I am intensely devoted to the Divine Mother.
I forget about Her most of the time.
I have faith in the teachings of my Satguru.
I have a list of complaints for Her as well.
I dissolve in the infinite vastness of Space.
I pick nits about the most useless things.
I am an open heart.
I celebrate and cultivate the wall around the heart.
I am profoundly relaxed.
I am wound painfully tight.
I am a good listener.
I sometimes don’t care to listen.
I am open to new information.
I don’t need it because I already know it all.
I am highly predictable in my thoughts and behavior.
I act and think in surprising way at times.
I try to contort the Energy of Life to conform to my selfish comforts.
I let the Energy of Life change me as It will.
I don’t do drugs.
I like to get very high.
I accept things that I can’t change.
I accept things that I could change.
I try to change things I can’t change.
I change some things that I can.
I use discernment and intuition.
I attempt to make intelligent decisions with the selfish, ego-driven
I avoid pain and suffering.
I feel the pain and suffering consciously.
I fight the ocean of sorrow.
I embrace and befriend the sorrow.
I try to make my world smaller and smaller.
I actively allow my world to get bigger and bigger.
I withhold my heart.
I share my heart freely.
I take things for granted.
I am profoundly thankful.
I know what I’m talking about.
I am so full of shit, yet confident nonetheless.
I am pain.
I am bliss.
I am very far away.
I am right up close.
I am trying to get somewhere.
I am right where I am, not knowing where I’m going.
I am totally insane.
I am completely clear, grounded and mentally balanced.
I stampede through.
I calmly and patiently open to receive the Divine Mother’s Grace.
I am extreme gripping.
I am total acceptance and surrender.
I act as if The Point is to be Perfect.
I don’t even know what that is or if it’s even a thing!
I am a Higher Nature.
I am a lower nature.
I want what is best for All.
I want only what I think is best for me.
I am infinitely cramped space.
I am total expansiveness.
I want more, endlessly.
I am completely satisfied with what I have.
I love and feel supremely blessed by the Divine Mother.
I also passionately and unashamedly hate Her, my chosen Deity. (I
know who ultimately wins!)
I have no expectations.
I seem to be nothing but expectations.
I am internally rigid.
I am malleable and changeable.
I choose the Peace.
I choose the self-made agitation.
I share my thoughts and teachings openly and courageously.
I sometimes feel fear and vulnerability about sharing from the heart.
I am the one who only sees what it wants to see.
I am the one who willingly and easily sees what is True.
I am the one who actively fights what IS.
I am the one who merely stands aside and criticizes it all.
I am the Energy that is all of This.
I am the Loving Space that holds all This.
I am none of This.
I am…Perfect, as the Divine Mother Energy made me.
No wonder it’s so hard to be a human being.